For many parents, one of the most meaningful events that happens for them as their own children grow into adults is the birth of a grandchild. Becoming a grandparent is a life-changing event and research shows that grandparents who are involved in their grandchildren’s lives are happier and less likely to experience depression. The role that grandparents can play is so special that in 1978, Jimmy Carter, then president of the United States, declared a National Grandparents Day to honor these special people and these bonds. Unfortunately, not every grandparent has the opportunity to develop a close relationship with their grandchild and some grandparents are denied contact with their grandchildren. These are forms of grandparent alienation.
Like parental alienation, grandparent alienation involves active efforts to damage or end the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren. This can be considered both a form of child abuse and elder abuse as it causes emotional damage that is difficult to ameliorate due to the lost years of connection during a child’s development. Further, the recognition of mortality and the realization that they cannot make up for lost time that could have spent with grandchildren are especially distressing for grandparents.
Grandparent alienation can take many forms and these include the following: denigration of the grandparent by the parent; controlling contact between the grandparent and grandchild; brainwashing or convincing the child to hold false beliefs about the grandparent; banning information by triangulating third parties, such as teachers, medical personnel, etc.; rejecting cards or gifts that the grandparent has sent to the child; false allegations against the grandparent; interrogation of the child after spending time with the grandparent; secret-keeping that is required of the child to ensure information about the child and their parents is kept from the grandparent; manipulation of the grandparent/child prior to any separation or divorce of the parents; emotional manipulation such as a parent threatening to withdraw their love if the child chooses to spend time with the grandparent; social media blackout; encouraging disrespect of the grandparent by the parent; and sending threatening messages via mail, text, or other means to the grandparent.
All of these are hurtful to the grandparents. While a parent may be willing to allow brief or monitored contact between grandparent and grandchild, the absence of open and relaxed communication can negatively affect the relationship. While a parent may feel justified in their actions, they are likely doing harm to their grandchild as the bond between grandparents and grandchildren can be an incredibly special and significant one.
There are many reasons that alienation happens, and it is often due to an unrelated estrangement between the grandparent and their own adult child. Unfortunately, recent news stories indicate that the number of adults disengaging from their parents has grown in number and visibility in recent years. The most frequent reasons cited for cutting ties with parents were prior emotional abuse by a parent, prior neglect, and values and personality conflicts. When this severed relationship between parent and adult child extends to grandchildren, it is devastating for many grandparents and leads to compromised wellness and decreased life satisfaction.
What Can be Done?
Unfortunately, there are not national standards regarding grandparents’ rights related to access to their grandchildren. In fact, in many states, including Florida, the path to gaining visitation time with alienated grandchildren involves a legal solution. In addition, parents’ wishes are prioritized when a court is being asked to make a decision on grandparents’ access to visits with the grandchildren. Trying to force parents to allow visitation after the alienation has already begun is exceptionally difficult, so the focus should be on ensuring further relationship rupture does not occur. Because one of the factors that is considered in legal cases regarding grandparent visitation is the existing relationship between grandchild and grandparent, it is essential to attend to and nurture this relationship from its earliest days and in as fully as possible.
Some Reminders for Grandparents
Recognize that your child is your grandchild’s parent, and you should follow the rules they set for their child.
Do not make a habit of overstepping the bounds of “chain of command” in terms of childrearing decisions. Too many “only at grandma’s or grandpa’s” activities may be building blocks in a parent’s decision to limit the time you can spend with your grandchild.
Be willing to go with the flow and not force things with your adult child no matter how differently they are raising their child.
If your relationship with your own child is frayed or broken, acknowledge your contribution to the relationship rupture, and ask if they are willing to work out the past conflict or let it go and move forward.
Do not ever engage in behaviors that are designed to alienate your grandchild from their parents – even after a divorce in which your daughter/son-in-law was at fault.
Do not disparage your grandchild’s parents to the child.
If you see that your child is limiting the time you can spend with their child or the places where you and the child can spend time together, honor their limits. If you try to force the issue, they may place even stricter limits in place.
Conclusion
It is a grief that people describe as worse than a death in that there is no sense of finality. Seeking legal remedies may not be fruitful, engagement in mediation may be difficult to arrange due to adult children’s lack of interest, so self-care and finding healing through counseling, faith practices, or a strong support network may be the best path for grandparents.
